The Ego, what is it?

The Ego is the central headquarters of our experience. It’s worth checking out how it develops and operates because it is the main source of our pain and suffering... but at the same time, it is our sense of "Me". We can’t destroy this thing that we are. We might deny our ego because if we don’t tend towards conceit and delusions of grandeur, then we think we don’t have an ego, but ego is whatever we identify with, it’s our story of Me. At the opposite end of the spectrum of conceit is self-loathing and shame, which is also a display of ego as well.

The Ego wants to assert itself, identify with thoughts, and maintain its continuity by solidifying itself in the world. It's like our inner deranged toddler self sometimes, just being demanding and seeking to be heard. This ego thing is really born in teenage hood as we transition from being a child to an adult, seeking to find our place. If we want to understand the nature of what we call our Self, then ego is the material we are working with. It's like the clay that makes the pot. Understanding Ego is the foundation of a spiritual practice.

Ego might be thought of as the “fall of man” or original sin because there's this sense of having lost a connection with whatever we once had a union with. We stopped being perfect and innocent, and became…human.

Maybe not all people feel that though, I am not sure. But somewhere along life’s journey, we got all self-involved and thus was born pain and suffering (a disconnect from our divine source). There's an innate sense or idea of perfection and eternity, and we can be in total awe of space and light and time, but yet we suffer from ignorance, delusion, self-consciousness, being lost and confused, and feeling out of place, like something is always just not quite right… there’s a lack. There is a sense of duality, like we are caught in the middle of opposing forces, like life is one big oxymoron. Ego is filling the role of this lack we feel.

The full picture of ego could possibly be quite distorted from the reality of what actually is. We project our version of reality outwards, pushing the internal onto the external and thereby misinterpreting this world. There is that saying... "You don't see the world as it is, you see the world as you are." Who is to say that they understand the world in actual truth? We have a perspective based on our experiences. Understanding this disturbance in our sense of self is the beginning to where openness can occur… our practice...being real.

The impermanent nature of this ego self leads to the insight of no-self. Who am I anyway? What is this person I call me? What is this experience that I seem to be having? How did "I" get in here?

We can’t be free unless we understand our imprisonment, impoverishment, confusion, trance, and ignorance. But is the goal of the spiritual path to destroy ego?

We seem to want to cling to this idea of ego self because our culture promotes a sense of individuality and to be who you are and be authentic and do as you please. Is self-improvement counter productive if there is no real tangible self you can even find in there? Who is the self that needs improving? That is just building up more walls.

We will never live up to our own expectations and so all this effort to be better just seems so futile and pointless. Who and what is your best self? When you are trying to hide from yourself and avoiding things about your experience and denying what you really feel inside, who is it that's running away from whom? Who is this person that has self-doubt or self-loathing or is self-critical? Are any of our judgements even accurate? What is the difference between judging and intuitive feeling? Theres are just questions that might point to something, or to nothing.

So.... what is our practice if we can't escape our sense of self?

It’s compassion that has no ego. Love in action. It’s not about “me” acting a certain way for a self-rewarding outcome. Compassion is communion, so there is no separation between you and me. Compassion doesn’t work inside of the boundary of time. It is the letting go of ego, not destroying it, but just putting this selfish tendency in the background and not the foreground. Life doesn't revolve around "me". Compassion is so wholesome that delusion, irritation, restlessness, greed, shame are not present. Ego is insubstantial in the presence of compassion. There is no seeking to achieve compassion, it is just here. Friendly, spiritual connection.

So in conclusion....we think we are who we believe we are (our conditioning and stories and experiences, being good or bad or neutral), but what we actually are is the presence of the heart. Ego is like a bubble that can be burst just by looking at it, but its sneaky and constantly wants to re-bubble to the surface, so we just have to keep on seeing it being there. Accept it, and then move on in kindness.

More dissections on this topic to come….